A Colorless Culture

Although I came into LGBTQ studies with a ready acceptance of diversity, I feel that the class has opened my eyes to the full extent of differences among the people in the queer community, as well as the past and modern treatment its members face.  I was surprised at the beginning of the course to learn that some ancient cultures were fairly accepting of their homosexual members.  To me, it’s remarkable that civilizations as early as ancient Greece condoned male/male relationships (Gibson, 5).  Although, it does add some perspective to consider that women were regarded as having much lower status than men.  However, it was very inspiring to see that in Native American culture, “two-spirits,” people possessing both female and male identities, were granted full acceptance, and even held in high regard (Gibson, 5). 

I find it very unfortunate that this acceptance regressed over time.  Two of the full-length movies we watched in class, Screaming Queens and Before Stonewall, reveal that queer identified people, especially crossdressers, were targets for harassment in the US during the mid twentieth century (Before Stonewall).  They could be arrested simply for wearing clothing that didn’t “fit” their specified gender (Screaming Queens).  It was disheartening to watch human beings fight for the basic right to control their own identity.  Even more disheartening was learning about modern examples of discrimination.  In my research for the final LGBTQ project, I learned that, since the early 1980’s, blood drives have refused to accept donations from gay men (Darling).  The donor questionnaire asks bluntly, “since 1977, have you ever had sexual contact with another male, even once?” (Darling).  I find this procedure problematic because it perpetuates the outdated stereotype that gay men are among the groups most susceptible to AIDS.  While it is true that gay and bisexual men are the largest group of people infected with HIV, this is most likely due to external causes, not susceptibility due to queerness.  For example, gay men may be less likely to use protection because there is no risk of pregnancy.  HIV has been proven to spread through contact of bodily fluids, making anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, vulnerable to infection.  In the past two decades, tests have also been devised to screen a blood sample for HIV (Darling).  All in all, a heterosexual man who engages in unsafe sex can donate blood, while a homosexual man who only engages in safe sex, cannot.  Upholding the ban only serves to perpetuate the stereotype that AIDS is a “gay” disease.

Another stereotype that manifested in the past, but lingers today, is that all gay men are effeminate.  Modern media seems to exploit this image.  In modern television, shows like Modern Family and Glee project the effeminate stereotype onto many of their gay characters, again, representing a stereotype, and not allowing for individuality among their LGBT characters. The media portrays “gayness” as an act, rather than a facet of a person’s identity.  For example, John Barrowman, a gay actor, was turned down a role on the television show Will and Grace because he couldn’t “act gay” enough for the character, even though Barrowman has firsthand experience in the world of gay men (F, Alex).  Interestingly enough, the “macho”, manly-man image that we often associate with heterosexual men can be traced back to homosexual origins.   To rebuff the effeminate image, artist Tom of Finland began to illustrate highly stylized, ultra-masculine images of gay men for physique magazines during the 1950’s (Gibson, 238).  The images featured muscular men, often in uniform, and often involved in sexual acts.  The “beach scene” of the same decade also idealized these well-built, athletic men; it seems fitting that this scene was predominantly homosexual as well (Gibson, 238).  This image, the athletic body resembling to a Greek statue on steroids, became the ideal form for heterosexual men as well who wanted to capitalize on their own masculinity.

One of the most frustrating topics for me to learn about during the course was discrimination within the LGBT community, primarily towards transsexuals and bisexuals. In Finding Out, the author states that many feminists are angered by transsexuals, condemning FTMs because they are supposedly altering their gender to heighten their status in a patriarchal society, and excluding MTFs because they “haven’t lived as women” for the entirety of their lives (Gibson, 153-4).  Many people within the queer community also disprove of bisexuality, because, they claim, an individual who identifies as bisexual is in denial of their homosexual nature, or, they are indulging in their homosexual desires but enjoying the benefits of identifying as heterosexual in a heteronormative society (Gibson, 155).

While the LGBTQ course taught me much about diversities and the injustices inflicted by a patriarchal, heteronormative culture, the entire process of learning has taught me the value of education.  I came into the class with some understanding of the LGBT cause (and some knowledge of drag and otherwise queer terms, courtesy of Rupaul’s Drag Race), but learning about the history of homosexuality and the means by which queerness is defined gave me a much more clear perspective on the issue.  I am one of the lucky few who have close friends who identify as LGBT, allowing me to be open to identities other than heterosexual, and begin to understand the fight for equality.  Both the class and my own personal experiences have forged an investment in the LGBT community.  However, many people do not share my experiences, and as a result, either become prejudiced against queer people or remain unaware of everyday injustices.  I can ultimately conclude that our culture needs serious education- both about the workings and timeline of the queer movement.  The main reason the FDA has not changed the ban on gay men donating blood is because it faces no social pressure to do so- people simply don’t know about the ban (Darling).  I feel that much prejudice towards queers also stems from a lack of knowledge and a refusal to understand an identity outside of heterosexuality.  I can only hope that in the future, discrimination against LGBTQ individuals can be stopped by the normalization of queer education.

Work Cited

Before Stonewall the Making of a Gay and Lesbian Community. Cinema Guild, 1985. Videocassette.

Darling, Mike. "Banned for Life: Why Gay Men Still Can't Donate Blood." NBC News. NBC, 14 July 2013. Web. 29 Nov. 2013.

F, Alex. "Dr. Who Actor John Barrowman Was Turned down for Will and Grace Because He Was Too Straight, Even Though He's Gay." RSS. OMG Facts, 6 Oct. 2012. Web. 25 Nov. 2013.

Gibson, Michelle A. "Chapter 1. Before Identity: The Ancient World Through the 19th Century." Finding Out. 2nd ed. N.p.: SAGE Publications, 2014. 4-5. Print.

Gibson, Michelle A. "Chapter 7. Queer Diversities." Finding Out. 2nd ed. N.p.: SAGE Publications, 2014. 153-155. Print.

Gibson, Michelle A. "Chapter 10. Lesbian Pulp Novels and Gay Physique Pictorials." Finding Out. 2nd ed. N.p.: SAGE Publications, 2014. 237-239. Print.

Screaming Queens: The Riot at Compton's Cafeteria. Dir. Susan Stryker. 2005. Videocassette.

Harbinger of my Own Destruction

From a young age, I’ve valued the virtue of self-control.  Even in times of emotional distress, I prided myself on my ability to retain stoic composure. I cried a total of four times in all four years of high school, and never in front of anyone.  To me, emotions were a sign of weakness, of vulnerability.  My refusal to acknowledge emotion rendered me unable to fully understand normative emotions, and therefore unable to fully recognize the significance of my own emotions, which ranged from total apathy to violent self-loathing.  Not until my senior year in high school would I learn that I was experiencing clinical depression.

Normal people experience depression as a passing emotion, a feeling that occurs over a short period of time due to a traumatic or otherwise emotional event before returning to a healthy mental state. However, to some, depression is not a temporary sensation, but a permanent state of mind.  Depression is a medical condition caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, most often by an inability to produce normal levels of serotonin.  However, other genetic and environmental factors can be attributed to the illness.  My case is of a biological nature; depression runs abundant in both sides of my family, leaving me more susceptible to inherit the disease than most “normal” people.             

Although I was only diagnosed with the disease this year in early March, I’ve come to the realization that I may have had depression much longer than a few months.  Still, while I feel isolated from others due to my illness, I find difficulty in separation the effects of depression from the facets of my own personality.  As an individual, even at an early age, I tended to be more introverted, more shy and less social than most of my peers.  Nevertheless I knew how to be nice and sympathetic, and as a result, I was well liked by most.  However, my reservedness put a strain on both my potential and existing relationships.  I had friends, but I lacked the confidence to initiate contact with anyone new or to let anyone get too close to me. 

My introversion didn’t get better in high school.  While it is common for teenagers to seek acceptance from the rest of their peers, my own motivation for acceptance was derived from fear of rejection.  While at this point I regarded depression with little more consideration than most other people my age, I realized that my own self-consciousness was a much darker entity than the usual desire for approval.  In retrospect, I should have realized that this was the first warning sign of depression, but like most teenagers, I only knew depression as an emotion.  Although I had more exposure to information on mental illness than most due to my mom’s job as a school nurse, I though that the depressive state was something you could “snap out of,” that people claiming to be clinically depressed only did so because they needed to justify their own self pity.  I refused to believe I was that weak.

However, the word “depression” always lingered at the forefront of my thoughts, and toward the end of my senior year in high school, I began to research the disease and watch for and symptoms I may have been exhibiting.  Every day, I would come home from school, both physically and mentally exhausted, and sleep for hours.  I was barely able to complete daily homework and my senior project.  I attributed this lack of incentive to the so-called disease “senioritis,” which allegedly caused seniors to not care about school.  However, instead of not caring, I simply lost the ability to care altogether.  This apathy extended beyond my schoolwork, affecting even my closest relationships.  I was literally unable to feel any happiness even in the company of my closest friends.  Even drawing, my absolute favorite pastime, lost its appeal. 

However, I was most alarmed by the sudden emotional drops I experienced every few days.  While I most often lived in a state of apathy, I would have periods that last for hours when I felt so violently depressed that I lost any will to live, and I often considered self-harm.  I knew that cutting was a terrible habit, but I was desperate for any outlet that relieved my emotional pain.  In one of my worst episodes, I attempted to cut myself using a Swiss army knife, but the blade was too dull to lacerate my skin.  My failed attempt at self-mutilation only fueled my frustration, leading me to tie a noose in an old piece of rope that I kept in my closet.  I’m sorry to say that the only reason I didn’t follow through with my plan was because I couldn’t find anything sturdy enough to hang the noose on.  As the ache faded I realized I needed to ask for help.

My mom was the first person I entrusted my secret to.  It took an entire day of failed attempts before I could finally summon the strength tell her that I suspected that I had depression.  The most painful part of my coming out was when my mom apologized for not noticing sooner.  While I felt guilty for letting her accept blame, I mostly felt tremendous relief now that I had someone I could rely on.  This was one of the few times I allowed myself to cry.

However, coming out was not a one step process; after the initial reveal I later had to tell my mom about my self-destructive tendencies.  After a few months of therapy, I also had to tell my roommate about my condition, but I omitted my attempts at self-harm.  In the future she will most likely learn the whole truth.

I found liberation in revealing myself to two of my closest confidences, but I cannot say I am fully healed.  I remain mentally unstable at best, and I sometimes fear that I am the harbinger of my own destruction.