In a busy, chaotic world, I often have few moments to myself. In the free minutes of my day, I often find myself seated at my glossy black piano, my back to the gentle sunlight filtering through the expanse of windows in my family room. I savor the scent of old parchment as I leaf through the pages of a worn piano book before propping it against the stand, smoothing over the open pages with my hands. With a slow exhale, I pluck the first note.
My fingers dance across the polished keys, familiar with the melody. Gradually, the music builds a steady rhythm, deep notes pulsing beneath tinkling chords. Absentmindedly I hum along, relishing in the vibrations emanating from deep inside the instrument.
A warm, ecstatic feeling blossoms in my stomach as the music tumbles into a crescendo, nearing the climactic finale. I hammer out the final chords, my eyes falling shut as I drive my entire body against the keys. I linger on remaining notes, drawing out the suspense and reveling in the warm, gratifying sensation bubbling through my body. I strike out the final chord, my eyes opening to the stark white walls encompassing me. The dusty sunlight fades as I reach over the piano to switch on the light. I continue to hum softly as I tread across the cold floor and sling my bag over my shoulder, my body still buzzing even as I hustle through the front door to my next appointment.
Your opening line was a great way to begin this piece. "In a busy, chaotic world, I often have few moments to myself." It leads the reader into your experience instead of plunging them right into it. I love the sense of intensity in this piece, how you connect your feelings with the way your fingers move.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have an affinity for adjectives. However there are a few that are unnecessary, and if you took them out you would have a much tighter piece; more variation in the voice...if that makes sense.
For example, you don't need to describe the piano as glossy and black; it takes away from the smoothness of the sentence. You can also get rid of "delicate" and "tinkling," or simply one or the other; they imply the same thing. If you were to edit this piece I would suggest simply to cut back on adjectives; it can make this beautiful composition that much more intense.
You are very descriptive. In some sentences it seems like the sensory detail is overwhelming. One thing that I would do is limit your adjectives a little. They aren't packing a punch anymore. Your opening was amazing. It made me really want to read what you had written. And your conclusion made it seem like you were in a rush without you really saying it. I thought that was really good!
ReplyDeleteAs the 2 other people had said before you are very, very detailed and it's very nice and makes you want to read more but after a certain part it's gets to be to much so just cut out some words and it would just improve on the lovely piece this already is.
ReplyDelete